What brought you here?

I have mixed emotions about forgetting the bad and hurtful parts of my life.  I was watching Depok Choprah telling me that yesterday is past, tomorrow is not here yet, so all we really have is the present.  It sounds simple enough and I know that living in the present is something that is going to take me some time to train myself to do.  As a mother, I am now programmed to think ahead and plan for the good the bad and the ugly.  I try to think of anything that could happen in the next minute, hour or day that I can prevent some kind of castrophy from happening to ruin the day for someone that I love.

What really brought me here though was a painful past.  I grew up in a great neighborhood as far as being a kid goes.  There were more of us than you could shake a stick at.  We were all from different backgrounds, races and social economic backgrounds, but none of us were rich!  We live on the West side and most of our parents worked in or for the military.  Summers were great because we were able to spend the day swimming at the military pool.  School for me was an entirely different story.

I never had much encouragement from my parents and there were never any hugs or kisses or even an "I Love You" in my house.  I don't fault them because I know what they came from and neither of them had an idealic family life.  I always felt lost.  I don't know any other word to discribe it.  I made good grades up until I started driving and realized that I could just leave school whenever I wanted.  The real problem that I later realized was that I suffered from an anxiety disorder and no one ever diagnosed it.  It was literally hell being me.  I felt like I was so tensed up all the time that I couldn't breath.  That's what makes my BREATHE sign so symobolic.  I still try to deal with it and my kids don't even know that it prevented me from finishing high school.  I know that most people didn't even know about things like depression and anxiety disorders back in the 70's and early 80's.  I have found many avenues of dealing with it now, mostly with the help of God and scripture to reassure me that I am a valued child of God!

I tell my kids I love them regularly and I am so proud of everything that they attempt to do that I would have never had the nerve to try!  They are turning into such strong individuals and I am impressed with them and even with myself for breaking the cycle.  We all have stories and as much as the past has to be pushed aside in order to live in the present, learn from the things that you didn't especially enjoy or like about your past because God does give you a do over!  I have 4 beautiful children that know that I love them and know that we think they are special human beings.  They are bright and funny and I wouldn't trade the times that we spend together just laughing for all of the money in the world.  I think if you have that love no matter where it comes from, you're a very rich person indeed!