How Much Time Should It Take?

I love my Dad dearly.  Our John Deer mower that was a hand-me- down from an uncle, is not working (again).  My seventy something Dad loaded up his truck with everything necessary to tackle my acre and a third and that's just what we did.  My oldest got to use my father's riding mower first.  Quite an honor!  He did a great job but then had some errands to run, most importantly, going to Whataburger to get us lunch.

My husband was next to get to mow.  All this time mind you, I get to use the Weed Eater!  That's the story of my life growing up with brothers.  I got the somewhat boring mundane job most of the time and let the men do their manly work!

The funny thing was, my Dad couldn't take watching my husband mow the yard because he thought he was going to slow!  My husband usually drives our mower because he enjoys putting on his cowboy had and ear buds with God knows what playing on the IPOD.  He actually likes to go slow because he enjoys the whole man and machine experience.

My poor Dad couldn't take it anymore and went and booted him off of the mower and did it himself!  Luckily, my husband didn't seem too wounded by this, but I couldn't help but think about what it all meant in my little mind.  My Dad thinks he doesn't have much time left (literally).  He asked a produce guy if he had any bananas that weren't so green because he might die waiting for them to turn yellow.

My husband on the other hand, spent 20 years as a cop.  Everywhere he went was in a hurry.  Usually a big hurry.  He's more than happy to slow it down now and his new relationship with God has been the catalyst for this I think.  He used to eat fast because he only had 30 minutes to eat at work if he was lucky.  Most of the time he'd get a call and have to eat on the run if he got to at all.  Most people make fun of cops and their eating habits, but don't judge them because they can have some crazy long days!

Sometimes I think about things for much longer than most.  This kept coming back to my mind because it just shows how we all have a different pace due to where we are in life.  I'm about as passive as you can get, so I just don't see any reason to get excited about this time thing.  I get that some schedules are necessary, but we're all just trying to pack as much into a day as we can and sometimes it's okay to put it in low gear and enjoy the ride! 

What brought you here?

I have mixed emotions about forgetting the bad and hurtful parts of my life.  I was watching Depok Choprah telling me that yesterday is past, tomorrow is not here yet, so all we really have is the present.  It sounds simple enough and I know that living in the present is something that is going to take me some time to train myself to do.  As a mother, I am now programmed to think ahead and plan for the good the bad and the ugly.  I try to think of anything that could happen in the next minute, hour or day that I can prevent some kind of castrophy from happening to ruin the day for someone that I love.

What really brought me here though was a painful past.  I grew up in a great neighborhood as far as being a kid goes.  There were more of us than you could shake a stick at.  We were all from different backgrounds, races and social economic backgrounds, but none of us were rich!  We live on the West side and most of our parents worked in or for the military.  Summers were great because we were able to spend the day swimming at the military pool.  School for me was an entirely different story.

I never had much encouragement from my parents and there were never any hugs or kisses or even an "I Love You" in my house.  I don't fault them because I know what they came from and neither of them had an idealic family life.  I always felt lost.  I don't know any other word to discribe it.  I made good grades up until I started driving and realized that I could just leave school whenever I wanted.  The real problem that I later realized was that I suffered from an anxiety disorder and no one ever diagnosed it.  It was literally hell being me.  I felt like I was so tensed up all the time that I couldn't breath.  That's what makes my BREATHE sign so symobolic.  I still try to deal with it and my kids don't even know that it prevented me from finishing high school.  I know that most people didn't even know about things like depression and anxiety disorders back in the 70's and early 80's.  I have found many avenues of dealing with it now, mostly with the help of God and scripture to reassure me that I am a valued child of God!

I tell my kids I love them regularly and I am so proud of everything that they attempt to do that I would have never had the nerve to try!  They are turning into such strong individuals and I am impressed with them and even with myself for breaking the cycle.  We all have stories and as much as the past has to be pushed aside in order to live in the present, learn from the things that you didn't especially enjoy or like about your past because God does give you a do over!  I have 4 beautiful children that know that I love them and know that we think they are special human beings.  They are bright and funny and I wouldn't trade the times that we spend together just laughing for all of the money in the world.  I think if you have that love no matter where it comes from, you're a very rich person indeed!

JUST BREATHE!

The same coworker that inspired me to write a book (LOL) also used to just crack me up sometimes when she would get extremely worked up over something that wasn't going right for her during a normal workday.  Everyone has those hiccups in their day, it's just how you handle them!  One year for Christmas, I found what was supposed to be a rustic looking ornament that said "BREATHE".  I'm sure that it was meant as a joke due to the frenzy that we get caught up in during the holidays, but I got it for her to put on her desk to look at year round.  Sometimes when I could see her blood pressure rising, I would just point to that sign.  Now I wish that I could get that back or maybe my calling is to mass produce these little signs for everyone out there that handles stress by holding their breath, clinching their teeth or saying not very nice things under their breath.  BREATHE!!!!

The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful, All in One Day!

I wanted to start off  a great week after an especially great weekend with everyone that I love.  I felt better about all of my family relationships: my husband; my kids; my parents which includes my mother-in-law and my beautiful church family.  They lifted my spirits on Sunday as did the Father, the Son and my new found friend and guidance counselor, the Holy Sprit.  I listened and prayed for direction because as I said before, my profession no longer lifts me up spritually like it used to and I feel like it's doing no one any favors if I just stay there because it's safe.

I had a new perspective that is leading me towards a final decision just this afternoon.  Once you've been told that it's all your fault that the company is failing and that you are always negative, it's a sure sign that you're no longer part of the team that it takes to be a success at anything.  I know that my work has been suffering as has my health.  Is it a coincidence?  I think it might be.  I don't want a job to be what kills me or even puts me out of the daily life that I have every right to enjoy as a child of God.  But who decides this, a boss, a coworker or God?

I have listened to a boss that happens to be related by marriage belitlle me until I just can't take it anymore.  I love him and honestly, part of my journey towards becoming a better Christian has been to pray for him.  I can tell you that I cried one night in a Bible study class because I read the book of Proverbs and I was worried sick about him!  Of course I gave no specific information to my class as to who I was speaking of, but I wanted their prayers too because I felt a sudden urgency to help him find his way back to God.

Today I have to say that I can only work on my relationships and do what's best for my family and those that I love that will accept me as I am.  I admit fault in all things because we are not perfect and Jesus gave his life in order to keep the forgiveness coming for all of us and all we have to do is ask.  I know I will survive and this will make me a stronger person no matter what the outcome.

I'm not sure how this will affect my recovery.  I will definitely ask for help and prayers and hopefully get a sponsor to guide me through this!  I will comment more on this as I figure out exactly what I am supposed to talk about and what is better left unsaid.  I am no harm to anyone and probably not even myself.  I just need a little help and I'm no longer afraid to ask for it.  God will put people in your life at the right time and I have no doubt that this will all be okay.  Keep the Faith!!!!

Keep those little bells ringing!

I was just sitting here enjoying my Hot Tamales candy that I got for a Mother's Day gift.  It sort of makes me sad because I recently found out that our small town was losing it's only candy store.  The couple that owned it did everything right and worked hard to be good stewards in our community and were just plain nice people.  It's sad that small businesses just don't seem to have an edge anymore because the super stores have even taken over those special things that we used to go to the small, neighborhood store to get.

One example is Jelly Belly Jelly Beans.  The candy store in town had a display where you could make your own mix and buy an entire bag of one flavor (like rootbeer) if that's what you had a hankering for!  Our one and only grocery store chain in this area built a fancy new"super" store and low and behold, there was the same Jelly Belly dispensers.  I know they all taste the same and they are probably a little cheaper in the super store.  It's not the same though when you can stop and chat with Mr. Ron as my kids call him and he knew all of their names too.  He even made sure that he kept Zots for my husband when he found out that he had a weakness for them.  Not many people have a place where they can go and have an experience like that.  I for one try not to take these small town moments for granted because I grew up in a big city not too far away from here.  It seems like a million miles away in comparison. 

Please don't take the small business owner for granted.  They are usually doing something that they have a passion for and give their heart and soul to be accepted and liked by their community.  I wish I could have done more for our candy store.  I know times are tough and we've all had to give up some of those treats that we used to be able to splurge on more often. When you do have time and maybe are lucky enough to have a little extra change in your pocket, try to find a small business out there in your community.  They are probably more happy to see you walk through their door than some huge store that feels more like a warehouse.  I would rather walk through a door that makes a ringing noise from the little bell hanging on it, see a smiling face and even hearing a sincere "Hello, how are you today?"

Walking through the super store sliding door begins with the complimentary rush of gail force wind followed by looking up at a TV screen that I swear makes me look about 10 pounds heavier.  Then I get to push a basket to the very back of the store because that's where they keep everything that I need!  I am thankful that I can buy so many things in one place but then it's also a curse that you can buy everything in one place.  It's exhausting at best and I miss smaller grocery stores.  I might be the only one in the world that doesn't love being able to shop for clothes and bread all in one store, but I just don't!

So just once in a while, try that little bakery down the street.  Go to a coffee shop that might not have a drive through, but it will make you slow down for just a few minutes and be thankful for people that wake up every day and open up their doors with little bells hanging on them just hoping that they get to say hi to you and help brighten your day!

Let God plan your Mother's Day and all the days that follow!

It's a beautiful, quiet Mother's Day morning.  No kids awake, not even a husband yet.  This is my favorite time of the day.  It's not that I don't enjoy the chatter, singing and many times arguing from the other inhabitants known as my family.  I love them more than life itself.  This just happens to be the time that I talk to God and listen to the Holy Spirit for direction.  That's right, I'm hoping for that small whisper telling me what direction to go in with my life and believe you me, I'm going to listen!


It's not that I've wasted or regretted any of my life.  I just feel like I've been bouncing.  I never picked my jobs, they picked me.  Every job that I've ever had was the result of some kind of divine intervention.  That's why I'm sure that whatever comes next is part of the plan.  I try not to anticipate too much because anxiety can only follow.  Not that there isn't a good feeling that comes from waiting for something nice or special.  The kind that I'm talking about how is tomorrow going to turn out at work and what I am going to do if it doesn't go well?  I'm taking this as meaning that's it's time for me to find the next chapter of that part of my life.  I used to love what I do and now something's changed.  I keep going back to my Walk to Emmaus as the catalyst for this change in my attitude towards life.


I was a Pilgrim last September and that's a place where you can't anticipate anything.  It was actually pretty freeing!  I didn't have to plan the next minute, hour or even the next day.  It was all done for me and all I had to do was have faith!  Now my faith is renewed and I need to figure out what to do with it.  I wish that I could just wake up one morning and start walking and somehow my feet would guide me to the place that I need to be.  You know, that is a possibility, so maybe I shouldn't count that one out!  I want to be a happy wife, mother and citizen of the town that I live in.  I have a church family now and that's a huge thing.  I know I don't let them into my life enough, but I have to take baby steps.


Today I'm going to enjoy my families.  My family at home, my family at church, my mother and mother-in-law (because I'm blessed to have both) and of course, my Father above.  He made this all possible and even gave me a beautiful day to enjoy it.

How do you find your passion?

Okay, say the antidepressant thing isn't really working and eating yourself happy isn't great option.  I did enjoy a gordita with my daughter today and I swear it put a spring in my step.  The heartburn later will be well worth it!  But what brings people to a hobby or occupation that is their passion or at least brings them extreme happiness?  I haven't found that and knowing how God works, he decides the when and the where.  Instead of just waiting for an epiphany while I was walking around my small town's Market Days, I started asking people how they got to their happy place!

One man was selling pet food.  I do have a small zoo, but I normally put my husband in charge of the chow.  For some reason, my daughter and  I stopped and looked at the various types of pet food and treats that he had and I asked him how he ended up in this business.  To my shock, his days used to be spent working on business models for one of the largest computer manufacturers in the world.  He had a face paced career but decided life was also going by too fast.  His wife found a company that made pet food and offered home delivery and they decided to take a big leap and start a franchise.  What a concept!  I have to buy 40 pounds of dog food at a time and would rather go to the dentist than try to throw one of those bags in a grocery cart.  I was impressed by his story just as much as the prospect of having dog food waiting outside my door whenever I needed it!  He smiled as he told me all of this and wished me luck because he could tell that I was yearning for that same satisfaction in life.

Then I met a man that sold little bags of what looked like miniature beads.  When you soak them in water, they expand and congeal and you can put them in a vase.  He had some pretty succulent plants in the tops and the beads turned into colors that were just gorgeous.  He was very patient as my daughter explained that she was very creative and could make these into Mother's Day gifts for her grandmothers.  He seemed very interested in her plans for each of the colors that she picked out and why she chose them.  He had samples that made even a non-creative type like me feel like I could actually make these into a tasteful and unique gift.

We bought some hair bows for a new baby cousin from a lady that had a hat on that looked like she could wear it to church or the beach.  It was bright and floppy and slightly turned up so that you could see her cheerful face.  She loved lady bugs!  She painted them on all things denim.  Now she also had denim dresses with painted flowers and butterflies for those that preferred them.  The real passion of her work was painting lady bugs and making hair bows.  My daughter talked to her like she had known her forever and found out that she didn't like math either but one teacher changed all of that.  She ended up getting a degree and becoming a math teacher.  She encouraged my daughter not to give up because she might find that teacher that changes her life.

I also met a plant lady that sold me a couple of succulents that we're going to put in the beads when they're ready and she told me that the pots that they were in were over 100 years old.  She said that back in the days before plastic, that's how they'd start the young plants at the growers.  She happened upon a treasure trove of the these pots.  I told her that they were beautiful and congratulated her for finding something that was trash to one person yet it enabled her to put her plants in them and make them into works of art.

Last but not least, there was a woman that took old brooches and jewelry from the good old days, mostly the sixties and seventies from what I could tell and made them into bookmarks.  I remembered the owls and cats that women used to think were very stylish worn on their lapels.  She said that she hated to see them thrown away or sitting unappreciated at estate sales and felt like she had to find a use for them.  She took colorful ribbons and beads and made that jewelry into retro chic bookmarks that even my young daughter thought were cool enough that she drug me over to look at them.

In just a short afternoon, I met a few people that I normally wouldn't have stopped to talk to on a normal trip to Market Days.  I even encouraged a man that I bought a cross pendant from to try to find more about his familly heritage on the internet.  My daughter tells people that she's German whether they ask her or not.  I always tell her that she got my fat little German hands and for some reason, she sees that as an ice breaker with many people.  Just asking questions and living in the moment can bring so many happy surprises.  I was always thinking about what I had to do in the next minute or hour or tomorrow, that I didn't stop and take an interest in what was going on right in front of me, right now.  Try it sometime!  You might learn something about a total stranger that makes you learn something about yourself!!

What's in a name?

I know that the first question that anyone would ask me is, why Prozac and Doughnuts?  I had a coworker that encouraged me to write just because she loved to hear the letters that I wrote at work.  Based on hearing these letters (she was my sounding board) she encouraged me to write more.   Normally, these letters were pleading with a civil servant that was so mad at me for something that was usually pretty minor.   They knew that they held my future employment by a string so I wrote like I was pleading for my life.  I had to stay on their good side or they could wreak all kinds of havoc on me and the company that I work for.  I refrain from any further comments or jokes about civil servants because I married a cop, my dad spent 20 years in the military and my mom worked civil service for 50 years.  I keep my opinions to myself for obvious reasons and yes, I’m extremely proud of all of them!

Now for the story behind the name that has been inside my head begging to come out!  One day in my office, a male coworker and I were talking about a female that we deal with in our day to day business and he commented that the last time we saw her; she had a stare that looked to him like she was on Prozac or maybe an ADD medication.  I swear, that was not my take on it at all!  The only thing that I saw when I looked into her eyes was a woman that was going through the pain of a divorce and was trying to get through one more day!

Now on that same day mind you, this same man was talking to a male salesperson in my office and this person was telling him about a customer of ours that was angry with him over an order that we shipped to the construction company that she works for.  As a good salesperson, he knew that he needed to go see her and make things right, but this man told him to make sure he took her some doughnuts because that would fix anything for a woman!  Thus Prozac and Doughnuts stuck in my head and it seemed to describe what some people out there think will explain or fix anything that ails or depresses us!  I told my female coworker that when I did write something, Prozac and Doughnuts would be the title, so Tammy, I meant what I said!

In the words of one of my favorite singers, Carly Simon , “You’re so vain” you’d probably think this blog is about you.  It’s not about a man, it’s about me.  Whenever I have a problem, point to make or even a joke to tell, I seem to be in the company of a person (sorry guys, but usually a male), that can make it about them.  Sometimes girls, it’s just about us.  We don’t need Prozac or Doughnuts, we just need to be able to be mad, sad, glad or just pissed off and let it be about us!  Then we need to pray to God for strength and have no doubt that one way or another, he will give us the strength that we need.  He might even tell you to write about it so that someone else might be able to just get through one more day, with a smile!