Can You Free Yourself From Your Past?

I had a list to work on that was supposed to be made of everyone and/or everything that I resent or that has caused harm to me.  After all of these years, how do you even start a list like that?  I knew there were some obvious entries to the list.  This can even be institutions or places, not just people.  I have been so passive all of my life, it's a struggle to bring up anything unpleasant let alone things that caused resentment or fear.

The strange thing was, when I started wrting, I couldn't stop!  I thought it would be difficult to name names and then even get specific about things that happened that I didn't even know where still buried deep down in my soul somewhere.  It's about feelings and even taking responsibilty for the resentment that I still feel.  It's freeing when you can take all of these events and people and say outloud what happened and then let it go!  I hope that this is the beginning of my recovery process and just maybe letting go of regrets from my past. I still tell myself that all of the things that happened to me (good and bad) were just God leading me to where I am today.  I wouldn't trade my beautiful family for anything.  I do thank God for answered and especially unanswered prayers.  Life takes such a long time to actually make sense, but once it does, you should count your blessings every day!

How Much Time Should It Take?

I love my Dad dearly.  Our John Deer mower that was a hand-me- down from an uncle, is not working (again).  My seventy something Dad loaded up his truck with everything necessary to tackle my acre and a third and that's just what we did.  My oldest got to use my father's riding mower first.  Quite an honor!  He did a great job but then had some errands to run, most importantly, going to Whataburger to get us lunch.

My husband was next to get to mow.  All this time mind you, I get to use the Weed Eater!  That's the story of my life growing up with brothers.  I got the somewhat boring mundane job most of the time and let the men do their manly work!

The funny thing was, my Dad couldn't take watching my husband mow the yard because he thought he was going to slow!  My husband usually drives our mower because he enjoys putting on his cowboy had and ear buds with God knows what playing on the IPOD.  He actually likes to go slow because he enjoys the whole man and machine experience.

My poor Dad couldn't take it anymore and went and booted him off of the mower and did it himself!  Luckily, my husband didn't seem too wounded by this, but I couldn't help but think about what it all meant in my little mind.  My Dad thinks he doesn't have much time left (literally).  He asked a produce guy if he had any bananas that weren't so green because he might die waiting for them to turn yellow.

My husband on the other hand, spent 20 years as a cop.  Everywhere he went was in a hurry.  Usually a big hurry.  He's more than happy to slow it down now and his new relationship with God has been the catalyst for this I think.  He used to eat fast because he only had 30 minutes to eat at work if he was lucky.  Most of the time he'd get a call and have to eat on the run if he got to at all.  Most people make fun of cops and their eating habits, but don't judge them because they can have some crazy long days!

Sometimes I think about things for much longer than most.  This kept coming back to my mind because it just shows how we all have a different pace due to where we are in life.  I'm about as passive as you can get, so I just don't see any reason to get excited about this time thing.  I get that some schedules are necessary, but we're all just trying to pack as much into a day as we can and sometimes it's okay to put it in low gear and enjoy the ride! 

What brought you here?

I have mixed emotions about forgetting the bad and hurtful parts of my life.  I was watching Depok Choprah telling me that yesterday is past, tomorrow is not here yet, so all we really have is the present.  It sounds simple enough and I know that living in the present is something that is going to take me some time to train myself to do.  As a mother, I am now programmed to think ahead and plan for the good the bad and the ugly.  I try to think of anything that could happen in the next minute, hour or day that I can prevent some kind of castrophy from happening to ruin the day for someone that I love.

What really brought me here though was a painful past.  I grew up in a great neighborhood as far as being a kid goes.  There were more of us than you could shake a stick at.  We were all from different backgrounds, races and social economic backgrounds, but none of us were rich!  We live on the West side and most of our parents worked in or for the military.  Summers were great because we were able to spend the day swimming at the military pool.  School for me was an entirely different story.

I never had much encouragement from my parents and there were never any hugs or kisses or even an "I Love You" in my house.  I don't fault them because I know what they came from and neither of them had an idealic family life.  I always felt lost.  I don't know any other word to discribe it.  I made good grades up until I started driving and realized that I could just leave school whenever I wanted.  The real problem that I later realized was that I suffered from an anxiety disorder and no one ever diagnosed it.  It was literally hell being me.  I felt like I was so tensed up all the time that I couldn't breath.  That's what makes my BREATHE sign so symobolic.  I still try to deal with it and my kids don't even know that it prevented me from finishing high school.  I know that most people didn't even know about things like depression and anxiety disorders back in the 70's and early 80's.  I have found many avenues of dealing with it now, mostly with the help of God and scripture to reassure me that I am a valued child of God!

I tell my kids I love them regularly and I am so proud of everything that they attempt to do that I would have never had the nerve to try!  They are turning into such strong individuals and I am impressed with them and even with myself for breaking the cycle.  We all have stories and as much as the past has to be pushed aside in order to live in the present, learn from the things that you didn't especially enjoy or like about your past because God does give you a do over!  I have 4 beautiful children that know that I love them and know that we think they are special human beings.  They are bright and funny and I wouldn't trade the times that we spend together just laughing for all of the money in the world.  I think if you have that love no matter where it comes from, you're a very rich person indeed!

JUST BREATHE!

The same coworker that inspired me to write a book (LOL) also used to just crack me up sometimes when she would get extremely worked up over something that wasn't going right for her during a normal workday.  Everyone has those hiccups in their day, it's just how you handle them!  One year for Christmas, I found what was supposed to be a rustic looking ornament that said "BREATHE".  I'm sure that it was meant as a joke due to the frenzy that we get caught up in during the holidays, but I got it for her to put on her desk to look at year round.  Sometimes when I could see her blood pressure rising, I would just point to that sign.  Now I wish that I could get that back or maybe my calling is to mass produce these little signs for everyone out there that handles stress by holding their breath, clinching their teeth or saying not very nice things under their breath.  BREATHE!!!!

The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful, All in One Day!

I wanted to start off  a great week after an especially great weekend with everyone that I love.  I felt better about all of my family relationships: my husband; my kids; my parents which includes my mother-in-law and my beautiful church family.  They lifted my spirits on Sunday as did the Father, the Son and my new found friend and guidance counselor, the Holy Sprit.  I listened and prayed for direction because as I said before, my profession no longer lifts me up spritually like it used to and I feel like it's doing no one any favors if I just stay there because it's safe.

I had a new perspective that is leading me towards a final decision just this afternoon.  Once you've been told that it's all your fault that the company is failing and that you are always negative, it's a sure sign that you're no longer part of the team that it takes to be a success at anything.  I know that my work has been suffering as has my health.  Is it a coincidence?  I think it might be.  I don't want a job to be what kills me or even puts me out of the daily life that I have every right to enjoy as a child of God.  But who decides this, a boss, a coworker or God?

I have listened to a boss that happens to be related by marriage belitlle me until I just can't take it anymore.  I love him and honestly, part of my journey towards becoming a better Christian has been to pray for him.  I can tell you that I cried one night in a Bible study class because I read the book of Proverbs and I was worried sick about him!  Of course I gave no specific information to my class as to who I was speaking of, but I wanted their prayers too because I felt a sudden urgency to help him find his way back to God.

Today I have to say that I can only work on my relationships and do what's best for my family and those that I love that will accept me as I am.  I admit fault in all things because we are not perfect and Jesus gave his life in order to keep the forgiveness coming for all of us and all we have to do is ask.  I know I will survive and this will make me a stronger person no matter what the outcome.

I'm not sure how this will affect my recovery.  I will definitely ask for help and prayers and hopefully get a sponsor to guide me through this!  I will comment more on this as I figure out exactly what I am supposed to talk about and what is better left unsaid.  I am no harm to anyone and probably not even myself.  I just need a little help and I'm no longer afraid to ask for it.  God will put people in your life at the right time and I have no doubt that this will all be okay.  Keep the Faith!!!!

Keep those little bells ringing!

I was just sitting here enjoying my Hot Tamales candy that I got for a Mother's Day gift.  It sort of makes me sad because I recently found out that our small town was losing it's only candy store.  The couple that owned it did everything right and worked hard to be good stewards in our community and were just plain nice people.  It's sad that small businesses just don't seem to have an edge anymore because the super stores have even taken over those special things that we used to go to the small, neighborhood store to get.

One example is Jelly Belly Jelly Beans.  The candy store in town had a display where you could make your own mix and buy an entire bag of one flavor (like rootbeer) if that's what you had a hankering for!  Our one and only grocery store chain in this area built a fancy new"super" store and low and behold, there was the same Jelly Belly dispensers.  I know they all taste the same and they are probably a little cheaper in the super store.  It's not the same though when you can stop and chat with Mr. Ron as my kids call him and he knew all of their names too.  He even made sure that he kept Zots for my husband when he found out that he had a weakness for them.  Not many people have a place where they can go and have an experience like that.  I for one try not to take these small town moments for granted because I grew up in a big city not too far away from here.  It seems like a million miles away in comparison. 

Please don't take the small business owner for granted.  They are usually doing something that they have a passion for and give their heart and soul to be accepted and liked by their community.  I wish I could have done more for our candy store.  I know times are tough and we've all had to give up some of those treats that we used to be able to splurge on more often. When you do have time and maybe are lucky enough to have a little extra change in your pocket, try to find a small business out there in your community.  They are probably more happy to see you walk through their door than some huge store that feels more like a warehouse.  I would rather walk through a door that makes a ringing noise from the little bell hanging on it, see a smiling face and even hearing a sincere "Hello, how are you today?"

Walking through the super store sliding door begins with the complimentary rush of gail force wind followed by looking up at a TV screen that I swear makes me look about 10 pounds heavier.  Then I get to push a basket to the very back of the store because that's where they keep everything that I need!  I am thankful that I can buy so many things in one place but then it's also a curse that you can buy everything in one place.  It's exhausting at best and I miss smaller grocery stores.  I might be the only one in the world that doesn't love being able to shop for clothes and bread all in one store, but I just don't!

So just once in a while, try that little bakery down the street.  Go to a coffee shop that might not have a drive through, but it will make you slow down for just a few minutes and be thankful for people that wake up every day and open up their doors with little bells hanging on them just hoping that they get to say hi to you and help brighten your day!

Let God plan your Mother's Day and all the days that follow!

It's a beautiful, quiet Mother's Day morning.  No kids awake, not even a husband yet.  This is my favorite time of the day.  It's not that I don't enjoy the chatter, singing and many times arguing from the other inhabitants known as my family.  I love them more than life itself.  This just happens to be the time that I talk to God and listen to the Holy Spirit for direction.  That's right, I'm hoping for that small whisper telling me what direction to go in with my life and believe you me, I'm going to listen!


It's not that I've wasted or regretted any of my life.  I just feel like I've been bouncing.  I never picked my jobs, they picked me.  Every job that I've ever had was the result of some kind of divine intervention.  That's why I'm sure that whatever comes next is part of the plan.  I try not to anticipate too much because anxiety can only follow.  Not that there isn't a good feeling that comes from waiting for something nice or special.  The kind that I'm talking about how is tomorrow going to turn out at work and what I am going to do if it doesn't go well?  I'm taking this as meaning that's it's time for me to find the next chapter of that part of my life.  I used to love what I do and now something's changed.  I keep going back to my Walk to Emmaus as the catalyst for this change in my attitude towards life.


I was a Pilgrim last September and that's a place where you can't anticipate anything.  It was actually pretty freeing!  I didn't have to plan the next minute, hour or even the next day.  It was all done for me and all I had to do was have faith!  Now my faith is renewed and I need to figure out what to do with it.  I wish that I could just wake up one morning and start walking and somehow my feet would guide me to the place that I need to be.  You know, that is a possibility, so maybe I shouldn't count that one out!  I want to be a happy wife, mother and citizen of the town that I live in.  I have a church family now and that's a huge thing.  I know I don't let them into my life enough, but I have to take baby steps.


Today I'm going to enjoy my families.  My family at home, my family at church, my mother and mother-in-law (because I'm blessed to have both) and of course, my Father above.  He made this all possible and even gave me a beautiful day to enjoy it.